all things

It was a road we'd travelled a thousand times before.  Today seemed different.

I offered aloud, "A black wind howls."

He knew the reference.  It was from Chrono Trigger, a video game we'd played many times through.

He offered nothing in response.  He was probably processing why I said this.  I could not wait for him to guess.  

"The light seems darker today, or just right now."  It was as if the sun was being filtered or blocked.  "I don't know why, but it all seems off.  I don't like how things feel right now."

"Hm."  His sole response.

That night my father and I were going to return him to college.  He came home on the weekends, and since I was home and my dad was home, we decided to go down together.  It was an hour or so drive.  

The warning bells never really turned off.  I knew something was going to happen, I just didn't know when.  

I knew I was to be "hyper-vigilant" as I coined for myself.  I needed to "watch."  This was purely based on feeling.  

I needed to watch.  A black wind howled.  I was about to die.

The entirety of the trip took place during sun set.  The whole day seemed to take place during sun set.  I watched as my dad drove.  I watched the other lane of the divided highway.  I watched drivers in cars we passed.  I watched exit ramps on both sides of the road.  

I watched and I waited.  I was going to save myself.  

My brother was returned to his dormitory without incident.  We drove home.

It was now dark, and I was unable to watch any more.  Tensions eased.  I talked to my dad about something inane.  Maybe baseball.  It was summer.

I remembered exiting the highway onto our final road home.  I can remember the ease of tension as we approached the last traffic light before we entered time.  I can remember how silly I felt about all of this, this whole sun set day, this "black wind," this "hyper-vigilance."  I could laugh again without the knot in my throat.

As we came on the green means go traffic light, my father pressed the brakes hard.  The car stopped.  I looked at him as he looked past me, out my window.  

A car came careening through the red light, passed in front of us... right through us on the path that we went through the moment that my father trusted the traffic light and not his own rules of driving.  The car braked after it passed through the intersection and pulled over to the side of the road.  The brake lights stayed on and I watched them until out of view.

We drove two more minutes and were home.

Walking in I hugged my mother because I could.  I looked down at my cat, ready to celebrate life and all it has to offer with him too.

He stared at me in a way that remains with me for now and ever.

He was looking at me, or through me.  He was seeing into me and beyond me.  His eyes were wide, and as I moved towards him, he backed away.  He seemed gripped with fear.  I took another step and he ran away, hid behind a chair, and peeked out with the same wide eyes, unflinching in their gaze.

I marvelled and wondered just what he saw.

I did not explain my thoughts from earlier that day.  I did not relate them until after my mother shared with me these dreams that she had the following week.

Two nights after this, she dreamt that I had died.  I was in a hospital bed, but she couldn't say why.

A night later she dreamt that my father died.

She told me and so I told her and my father about that day, the night that I knew I was going to die.  I did not die, nor did he.  But we were to have done so.  That much is clear.  And something stayed the hand of death.

Whatever it was that my cat saw, I am grateful for it.  Contemplating that day deeply overwhelms me with emotion.  I went on later that year to get to know the woman that I ended up marrying, that bore me two beautiful, incredible children.  I would go on to a career in which I changed many lives and paths of students in my classroom.

Why, oh why, oh why do I continue to question my self worth?

I want to know what the cat saw.