21.2.10
Dear Lord,
There are times, like today, when my heart just simply yearns. It yearns after no conscious thing. I try to think of all the things I may want, and there is no material response. I am in limbo, as if I am waiting for the greatest thing that could ever happen to me.
It happens often on the days where I feel the most anxiety, and I feel there must be some relation. Perhaps there is a very real relationship there, between the anxiety of my real world relationships and the status of my heart's relationship with its deepest desire. It makes sense, but the limitations of my reason will not allow me to proclaim this for sure.
I do get the sense that many of the things I have in my heart die each day. Family and friends do not die every day, but they will in time, as will I. Passing fancies, victories, accomplishments, even the things that come from you, they all pass on in my heart. My anxiety comes from having these things in a continual state of passing on as through a sieve and never feeling full enough to be satisfied.
I have heard that my heart will not be still until it rests in you, O Lord. My heart's rest comes not in merely being filled, but in overflowing! And once these blessings have spilled out onto my world, my heart will sincerely seek to rest suspended within your gifts of joy and peace and comfort. It does not seem that this stillness lies within the world I now inhabit, but in time, perhaps, I will be able to sense it and know You are there and that my heart gently rests in Your hands.
I make a simple prayer of thanks for the many blessings I have been given, of praise for your Beneficence, and lastly, I ask for peace, that though I often doubt my place and my worth, I remember that You knew what I was capable of when you wrought me.
In Your Name I pray,
Amen.
